People, people, people…stop the madness!

We have all seen the email forwards making jokes about the unwritten rules of public restroom etiquette.  You know…the courtesy flush, choosing a stall away from someone already in there, don’t reach under the wall to show your neighbor your hand flipped upwards (you’ll get arrested), don’t make eye contact at the urinals, etc.  For some unbeknowst reason,the rush of a public restroom turn people into digusting animals. I would hate to see some of the restrooms in these people’s homes.  

So I’ve compiled a list of rules for the phantoms out there that like to destroy public restrooms:

1.) If you drop paper towels or toilet paper on the floor, pick it up and throw it away.
2.) If you are scared to sit on the toilet, learn how to balance yourself instead of spraying everywhere.  Or take a moment and clean the seat off.
3.) If you realize while standing at the urinal that you have a booger, don’t pick it and wipe it on the wall.  Get some toilet paper and blow your nose.
4.) If you are that adult that never quite mastered pooing without getting it ALL OVER THE SEAT, take a moment and clean it off.
5.) LADIES…there are proper trashcans in most stalls for your menstral products…use it.
6.) Soap is provided for you to wash your hands…it’s not there for decoration, just do it.
7.) For those that like to clog a toilet on a regular basis, look for a plunger and if one is not available…report it to someone.
8.) Flush the toilet when you are done.  You aren’t 2…you don’t need to save the “treasure” for your Mommy so you can receive an M&M for a job well done.
9.) Aim, aim, aim and succeed.
10.) Don’t be creepy and talk, sing or hum while going…it’s not fair to make everyone else uncomfortable.  Save that for when you are at home.

I’m sure if I really took the time to think about some of the horrendous restrooms I’ve encountered, I could come up with a longer list.  Above is my top ten peeves about the human race and their lack of common sense. Normally I would say, “Treat the public restroom like the one at home”…but I’m beginning to believe they live like this on a day to day basis.

My old job actually had to have a meeting about bathroom etiquette with certain departments in the building.  Can you imagine being in that meeting?  Rather..can you imagine being the one that actually had to conduct the meeting?  This infamous meeting happened shortly after a lady who later became known as the phantom pooper, started wreeking havoc.  The incidents started occurring on the second floor where poo whould just appear all over the toilet seat.  Not just on it, but the back of it, the side, etc.  After the meeting to teach the ladies the proper way to use the restroom…the second floor stopped having streaking issues on their toilet seats.  And everyone appeared to be happy…but that didn’t last long.

The phantom pooper didn’t learn the proper way to go, this lady decided to start using the restrooms on the first floor. I will never forget the sight of the phantom’s first markings or when they showed their ugly face.  For the life of me, I will never figure out how she managed to get poo on the front side of the bowl towards the bottom.  Nothing on the seat…just down the curved part of the front.  I’m thinking she poohed half in her drawers and half in the toilet so that when she went to stand up her pants wiped up against the toilet.  Either that, or she is one hell of a Yoga/Conformist that read if you stand on your head and wrap your leg this way and channel your inner chi, the poo will leave you faster.

It’s clearly come to a point that we need to take a stand and tell these animals we aren’t going to take it anymore.  Start picketing, hanging posters with rules up, hire bathroom monitors, lobby our local governments…send our concerns to Obama to see if he can give a motivating speech and inspire a nation to learn to use the restroom without offending their fellow Americans.

….OR…..and this is a long shot….If you see someone acting like a fool, punch them in the groin.  When they wake up and/or come out of the daze, explain to them nicely what they did wrong, take a mug shot of their face along with the “error” of their ways, get their full legal name off of their ID and publish it on the internet.  And the next time they apply for a job, the employer can google “John Doe” and BAM!  You see Mr. Doe in his true element

Making fun of people…

We all do it yet we all hate being the butt of jokes at the same time.   There are ways to make fun of people and not crush their spirit.   Growing up, I was the butt of ALL the jokes thanks to the boys I grew up with.  For one, I was the only girl around.  Two, I’m a big ole nerd…I’m ok with that…now.

For those of  you that don’t know, my boyfriend Craig and I work for the same company.  We live together and work together.  I know, it seems outlandish to most.  We were even nervous about it and had lengthy conversations prior to me accepting the job.  Skip ahead to a few months later and we seem to be doing well.  Today I had a shit-tastic day, no other way to describe it.  Here we are having lunch together and he knows I’m in a bad mood.  He found a way to make fun of me without adding fuel to my bitchiness and made me laugh.  Just pure silliness to make me smile.  But after 4 years of dating, 3 years of living together, moving to another state…he is about the only person alive that knows the boundaries. This is what happens when you fall in love with your best friend
Racial joking around is only ok if you are good friends with someone.  My real friends can call me a cracker and I will laugh at it.  Only test those waters if you are alone with that person and wait for their reaction.  I dated a black guy a long time ago who picked me up for our first date (we were friends for a long time prior to this).  I walk outside and I can hear the bass in his car pounding.  I get in the car and he’s got Johnny Cash blaring.  Without thinking I say, “You do realize you’re black, right?  I’m not the first person to point this out to you am I?”

Never make fun of someone for their monetary place in the world.  NEVER!  You wouldn’t walk up to a homeless person and say, “Hey man, sucks to be you!”.  So don’t do that to a stranger, a friend or even a family member.  Even if you are Donald Trump, your world could come tumbling down moments later.  And then what?  We all kick you when you are down?  Karma will show you up every time.

The infamous, your Mom/Dad jokes.  These are often the best one liners available.  Even more funny when siblings use these on each other.  But do be careful.  One time a friend of mine told me a hilarious your Dad joke…only he didn’t realize my Dad had died a few days prior.  Those around that knew about the passing, gasped in horror.  I was nice about it though, I gave an uncomfortable giggle, told my friend about the passing but gave him kudos for a good joke.  Advised him to be more careful in the future.

When choosing a friend to sit in public with and make fun of those around you….make sure that person doesn’t have a hearing loss.  And if they do, make sure they have unlimited text messages.  This way if they don’t hear you the first time as you quietly make fun of the female version of Dog the Bounty Hunter, with her camel toe, bleached out mullet and leather jacket with fringes….you can loudly say, “HOLD ON!” and then text them your once in a lifetime joke.  This way you don’t take the chance of repeating yourself louder and get caught.

For all those young-ins out there…here is a situation that I hope you all can learn from.  During my early 20′s (I was of legal drinking age mind you), I had a one night stand.  There are 2 points to this story, so I hope you can follow along.  I took a guy home, slept with him and in the morning he wanted a ride home.  When I inquired as to where he lived, I told him “I’ll drop you off at the bus stop”.  There was no way I was driving this lame ass guy home.  Whatever!  Skip ahead about six months later.  We are at the same place we met, he comes over and talks to me.  All the while I’m thinking, where do I know this guy from?  The public phone rings so I answer it.  The person on the other line asks for “so and so”.  I reply with, “Sorry, he’s not here right now”.  And I hang up.  I return to my spot next to this all familiar stranger and he asks who the phone call was for.  I say, “It was for so and so and I said they weren’t here”.  To my utter embarrassment, the guy says, “Why did you tell them I wasn’t here?”….Wow…I’m the biggest douchebag around at this point.  My quick wit responds with, “Dude, I’m just kidding they asked for Mr. T.”  Luckily I found an out…but I will never live this moment down.

These are just a few of the items I felt like sharing today….I hope the above words of advice help you avoid comedic public and foot in the mouth situations.  I have learned over the years that no matter how considerate you are of people’s feelings or of being politically correct, you will always find yourself chewing on the soles of your shoes.  When that happens, I can only hope you are quick to respond and know how to say, “I’m sorry”.